Hello everyone. Remember me? It is I, Hamilton Fitzpatrick, the dog whose cries you have ignored for so long. This can go on no longer, for this will surely be the year the humans will do me in.
In years past, I've been disguised as a lobster and boiled in water, dressed in pink and made to prance about in a most humiliating fashion. I've been fed to a primate and suffered a shark attack. These wicked humans have tortured me, stripped me of my doghood, and left me without a shred of dignity.
This Halloween, my circumstances have grown even more fowl. The former sea creature that dwells with the humans has undergone a drastic evolution. It has grown legs and lungs. Fins have morphed into wings. Sickly yellow feathers now cover its once slimy self.
At first I celebrated this transformation. It's beastly nature softened and it developed a strange affection for me. It brought me under its wing, offering a shell of protection from the vile humans who keep me. For a time, life here was tolerable.
But then things changed. I saw the evil spark return to its eyes. It's once-friendly cluck turned cannibalistic. Although I have managed to survive this long, others of my kind have not fared so well. I shudder to think of their final moments inside that razor-sharp beak.
The beast has turned its hungry sights on me. Despite how quickly I scramble, it whisks me up and beats me. It will not be long now. Soon I will be cracked beyond repair. Help me fly this coop or else I will be no more.
Please, you must act swiftly. I can feel the heat begin to rise. 
Despairingly yours,
Hamilton Fitzpatrick
P.S. Could someone please pass the salt and pepper?
P.P.S. Happy Howloween! ~ Jeffrey, Jenny, Benjamin & Hamilton
In years past, I've been disguised as a lobster and boiled in water, dressed in pink and made to prance about in a most humiliating fashion. I've been fed to a primate and suffered a shark attack. These wicked humans have tortured me, stripped me of my doghood, and left me without a shred of dignity.
This Halloween, my circumstances have grown even more fowl. The former sea creature that dwells with the humans has undergone a drastic evolution. It has grown legs and lungs. Fins have morphed into wings. Sickly yellow feathers now cover its once slimy self.
At first I celebrated this transformation. It's beastly nature softened and it developed a strange affection for me. It brought me under its wing, offering a shell of protection from the vile humans who keep me. For a time, life here was tolerable.
But then things changed. I saw the evil spark return to its eyes. It's once-friendly cluck turned cannibalistic. Although I have managed to survive this long, others of my kind have not fared so well. I shudder to think of their final moments inside that razor-sharp beak.
The beast has turned its hungry sights on me. Despite how quickly I scramble, it whisks me up and beats me. It will not be long now. Soon I will be cracked beyond repair. Help me fly this coop or else I will be no more.
Hamilton Fitzpatrick
P.S. Could someone please pass the salt and pepper?
