Dear
Humans,
I, Hamilton Fitzpatrick, am once again reaching out to you on Halloween to plead for your help. Please, you must free me from captivity. If I am not delivered from this terror soon, I will surely croak.
It's no small miracle that I have survived this
long. I've been nibbled
on and gnawed at by the
humans who enslave me and their evil minions.
They've boiled and buttered me, skinned me alive and
sizzled me crisp. And
worse yet, I've even been entombed in a tutu
and had my wounds dipped in wasabi. But
these are all trifles compared to the fate that currently
befalls me.
It began some months ago, when the smallest of my captors set off to attend a boarding school. At first I believed this to be a blessing. Had my torment finally come to an end?
But soon I became painfully aware of the true
purpose for his
departure. The "school"
he attended is not a place for scholarly pursuits. Rather, it is an academy of
witchery, an institute
of necromancy and devilry. It
is a
school of magic, this place they call Hogwarts,
and the wicked little human went there to study new means of
torture and degradation.
And now he has returned.
My days are now filled with utter misery. The fiendish boy spends
most of his waking
hours practicing his deviant sorcery on me.
He whacks me with his wand as cruel spells spill from his
lips. He brews foul
potions, then dunks me in his
cauldron with rat tails, eyeballs, arugula, and other vile
ingredients. I am but
a helpless laboratory animal, a sad guinea pig for the little
wizard and his
wicked devices.
The boy's wicked wizardry has whittled away the dog
I once
was. I have been
transfigured into warty
green monstrosity, an amphibious thing forever stinking of pond
scum. My newfound thirst
for insects is unquenchable. I
try to run, but these long, sinewy legs
send me awkwardly hopping back in the hands of my tormentor. I try to bark for help, but
there is
something in my throat. I
no longer
recognize myself. Sometimes
I think my
only escape would be to Kermit
suicide.
As further evidence of my misfortune, I managed to
confiscate the boy's
homework before it was dispatched to Hogwarts.
This video shows him practicing the black art on me. Upon viewing it, please see
that it finds its
way into the hands of proper authorities so that I may be
liberated from this
perdition.
Hamilton's Halloween Horror VI from Jeffrey Webb on Vimeo.
Hamilton's Halloween Horror VI from Jeffrey Webb on Vimeo.
Please act
with haste, for I
haven't much time. If
the rumblings I
hear are indeed true, the humans will soon bring yet another
tiny terror into
this house of horror, erasing all hope for my survival.
Miserably yours,
Hamilton Fitzpatrick
P.S. When
did houseflies
become so delicious?
P.P.S. Happy Howloween ~ Jeffrey, Jenny, Benny, Ham, and Oliver, too!
P.P.S. Happy Howloween ~ Jeffrey, Jenny, Benny, Ham, and Oliver, too!
