The Boy With No Name

Who would have thought that naming a child would be so difficult? I mean, it's just a name, right? Just slap a name on the kid and toss him out into the world. No big deal.

Here is where we are. The middle name, we have decided, will be Michael. Not only is this my middle name, but it also happens to be the first name of Jenny's beloved father and brother. Pretty much a no-brainer, and I hope that BB sees fit to pass the name on to his own son one day. And the last name, of course, will be Webb. So all that remains is that ever-important first name, the [blank] before the Michael Webb. Should be easy, right?

Wrong! Nearly every name brought up for consideration repulses one of us or reminds one of us of something we don't want to be reminded of. For example, Jenny really likes Colin, yet to me it too closely resembles the word "colon". And although I am still a good many years away from the dreaded prostate exam, I never want my son's name to conjure up the image of...well, you get the idea. Dexter is a name I like a lot, but it is also has the unfortunate distinction of being the name of television's favorite serial killer, and Jenny's just not sure if she can get past that. Also, we both like the name Jackson, but Jackson Michael brings to mind a certain pop sensation who rose in popularity recently because of his untimely moonwalk into the great hereafter. I mean, I enjoy Billie Jean as much as the next man (which is to say, not very much at all), but do I really want to burden my son with years of "Jacko" jokes? I don't think so.

Then there are all of the rules. We can't choose a name that is too common, yet we don't want a name that is too obscure (My sincere apologies to any Jacobs or Theobolds who might be reading). We have to like any conceivable nicknames that might come of it (Richard immediately gets the axe). What does it rhyme with?  How can it be twisted to fit into some cruel schoolyard limerick? It cannot be, or resemble too closely, the name of any of our friends' children. (Dave and Megan, we both absolutely love the name Ezekiel. Would you kindly rename your son so we can steal it? Thanks.)  Oh, and God forbid we name the kid something funny. (Come on, Jenny, Cornelius Cobb Webb screams Nobel Peace Prize winner. Really, it does.)

And let us not forget to consider a name's historical implications. I mean, would naming our child Albert cause him to have gravity-defying hair and invent game-changing mathematical formulas? Or would he instead blurt out "hey, hey, hey" when entering a room and associate himself with some highly questionable characters. (For the record, I think either outcome would be awesome).

Okay, that last paragraph was a joke.  Sort of. 

What do we do? Is it possible to give him two distinct first names; one from Mommy and one from Daddy? Should we keep calling him Baby Bean until he reaches school age and can choose his own name, or would that be setting us up for a son named Batman or Pikachu?

Obviously, we are in need of some help. Below are some of the names that haven't yet been eliminated by our over-analytical chopping block. Please weigh in, tell us which names you love and those you hate. Give us more suggestions. Goodness knows we need them.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

- Billy Shakespeare

Benjamin

Dexter

Oliver

Maxwell

Isaiah

Jefferson

Hudson

Emerson

Sebastian

Jonas (Jonah?)

Logan

Jasper

Wesley

And last but not least, Jeffrey Michael Jr.